seeing scars

Last night I went to a discussion group/podcast that Eli and Kate from Of Scars do called Seeing Scars.  I haven't been able to go to any of the other ones, last night the topic was sex, really it ended up being more about our relationships and how they changed and how we changed after our diagnoses and treatment.  I didn't really say much, I think it made me nervous being recorded, also I'm a dunce and hit my head last week and haven't really been right.  I'm pretty sure I had with a concussion although I didn't go to the doctor because I don't have insurance right now, anyway back to last night.  They had posed a question on facebook and to the group regarding if you had recently met and started dating someone, a person that you felt was super awesomely the best person ever for you, how you would react if you found out they had cancer, previously or currently.  The general consensus being that if you had already begun a committed relationship you were a huge asshole if you walked away and that if it was fairly new, say like a few dates then your honesty was appreciated if you couldn't deal with it.   I think its an interesting question not only for cancer but that everyone should ask themselves about everything, children, divorce, a family or friend death, all of these things could come up during the course of a relationship, either to you or your partner, all of these things are hard and lots more things are too, but such are things that happen in life and how you react to them even early on in a relationship says a lot about you as a person and how you would be able to cope with other life events in the future.  The things that are hard go along with receiving something back that is good, if you never did anything because it was too hard, what have you done?  Such things are what life is made up with the good, the bad and the ugly.  If you feel like you couldn't deal with any of those in the beginning of your relationship or for that matter walk away from a committed relationship as a result, you need to ask yourself if you are really giving everything you have.  If you walked away from that wonderful person how would you end up feeling when you look back and say "yeah, I just didn't do that because it was hard".   I think a lot of times we feel that we are the most important person in our lives but really in order for us to have others around us and be happy and be important to them, we first need to make everyone else the most important people in our lives, to give everything we have regardless of how hard something might be.

Summer

I do not write anymore!! I read though, trust me I'm still reading.  I feel so busy, and its really great! But I still wake up every day and wonder why its no longer July.

My summer was beautiful and fun and busy and so so much more.  It was full of silly kids, some mine, some not, running and more running and biking and more biking.  I got a new bike in the spring and put over 600 hundred miles on it, which still doesn't feel like enough for me, I should have done more.  I got a dog and then got another dog.  I had my photos taken for Of Scars (I'm going to let the website tell you about it because I can't do it justice) and then I failed to write anything about it or take any pictures that night, Kate and Eli are two of the best woman in the world, really, seriously. I got a tattoo of their project logo, its near my collarbone above my port scar.   I also got another tattoo with my very best friend and against my doctors suggestions I got half of it on my left arm.  After having 18 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm they advise against needle sticks, blood pressure cuffs, ect.  At first after my mastectomy when the nodes were removed I had a little swelling in my arm and hand and wore a sleeve, but it no longer has issues so I decided to risk it, so far so good.

I passed my 3 year cancerversary in october, no big deal, a few tears here and there and I may have been slightly cranky for a week or two.  I did a lot of things this summer, I was a zombie, I was a Mom, I was a daycare, I was a runner, I was a cyclist, I was myself.   I did a half marathon with my friends, I did fun things with my family.  But most importantly I wasn't sick, I felt the best physically this year than ever before.

Happy is as happy does

Someone said recently "Robyn and John seem happy" and we are, we are very much fundamentally happy.  Or more true to life, I am a happy person, John rides my coattails of happiness to find his own balance.  However that doesn't mean we don't argue occasionally, which brings me to a sort of ongoing debate.  You see, I am a stay at home mother.  When I had my second daughter we decided (or rather our finances decided) that we could not afford the daycare prices for us to be gone for 11-12hrs a day anymore and me being the lower wage earner the result is obvious.  As a stay at home mother I do what all of you think I do, sit around eating bonbons.......plus I do everything else, child care, laundry, lawn care, dinner, ect. ect, you get the idea.  However, I do sometimes have more fun going on than actual work, parks, art, zoos and sometimes when that is the case the stress of life causes him to ask, "why don't I do things like I used to?".   I just put it off to him being stressed and needing a break (and feeling like being a little bit of an asshole, like we all do, just admit it).  But I realized I've never really understood when "used to" was?  When is this time when I had all my shit together?  When I quit my job I had about a month with just one child hanging out, then I had a baby and a 3 1/2 yr old, then I had about the fastest 10 months of baby time ever and then I had cancer, then I had about the worst year I've ever had followed by the second worst year ever.  Which brings me to the present, this year, in which I am healthy, my children fairly independent and me feeling like I've finally learned to be my new self.  My new self seems really lazy around the house, my new self is focused on exercising, having a shit ton of fun with her children, her family and friends.  I've decided I like my new self, she seems so much better than my old self.  My new self still manages to clean and do laundry but sometimes she says "fuck it" because sometimes people are more important than things.


**Disclaimer:  John and I were not arguing about this today, that is not what prompted me to write this.  What prompted me was a basket of laundry I was carrying and a little girl that said "mama will you sit with me?"

Also coming soon!! A post about homemade lotion that keeps scars from itching like a son of a bitch.  If you have scars you know what I mean.

been feeling so fly since you’ve been gone, my face to the sky, sunglasses on

Today I feel good.  I want to focus on what I've learned from my body in the last two years, and it is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I push my body, I will not ever be that tired ever again.  Today I feel good and well and healthy.  I slept less than four hours last night, ran 5k this morning, went swimming, lunch, kids, made dinner for 5 kids and 4 adults and I'm still ticking away.  I will never ever be tired again, this is what my cancer has taught me today.   Actually I've learned a lot about myself and what it means to be so close to nothing and back again, but that's a whole other blog post.  Today I'm good. Today I am not tired. Today I am happy.

Today I am a brand new bitch.

super freak, super freak, she's a very special girl

My scabs from my nipples are completely gone, did that take a long time to heal or what!!  Its good to be wound free.  I want my scars to lighten so I look like less of a freak but that'll take time.  We all seem less freakish if we wait long enough, yes?  

So two weeks ago I got talked into running, the things people can convince me to do.  They talked me into a 7k on St Patrick's day.  I've been practicing about 3 times a week, I think I do like 10 1/2 min miles now, which seems alright, maybe kinda slow.  I guess I'm doing pretty well though, I did 10k last weekend just for the hell of it, mind you I said hell of it not fun of it.  I've decided that I do not like running on treadmills, running outside is fun though.  My toenails turned black, the internet told me that my toes were not going to fall off but that I should probably get new running shoes or some new toes, shoes seem easier to get.  Also now I'm only 10 pounds away from my goal weight!!  The yoga and pilates I've been up to for a few months is making me stronger too, my back muscles barely hurt anymore.   

My oncologist appointment at the end of January went well, he said I was awesome, which makes me smile.  I like when I'm a normal healthy 32 year old and not being treated like a medical anomaly anymore.  How many times do I really have to hear that I seem really young to have breast cancer?  He did say I need to keep an eye out for my headaches to get more frequent and for other things like dizziness and vision problems but I think I'm good, I think I just get headaches.

Happy New Nipples!

I love when people ask "how's your nipples", its silly and fun and I love telling people my nipples are great!  the scabs are almost gone and I've scheduled my tattooing, the tattooing is to color the areola for the nipples to look realistic.  Its also the very last procedure I will have done due to my 2009 cancer diagnosis.  This new year is going very well as I've made it nearly a whole month without maxing out my medical insurance, whoohoo!  The last two years I had surgeries in January and so this year I'm already way ahead.  My nipples are going to be tattooed on March 16th.  This is supposed to be covered by my insurance if I get it done within 90 days of my nipple reconstruction, however March 16th is the earliest they can schedule me and also it 91 fucking days out from my nipple surgery.  Nice, right?  As you can tell I'm very thrilled about it.  Oh well, c'est la vie.

I'm going to see my oncologist next week for my six months check up and I after March 16th I won't have to visit my plastic surgeon again until next year.  I am looking forward to 2012 be a very good year with little medical appts.  Who knows maybe I'll do something nutty and take a vacation somewhere tropical.  You never know what's going to happen with me next!

NIPPLES!

I got some nipples on Friday.  Talk about words you'd never thought you'd say!! I also got some new t-shirts and you can see my nipples, its hilarious! I can't get over it.  I like them, its weird to have nipples, I don't remember having them.  Its strange because I've gotten used to my new body, I don't remember my old body and I don't really miss it.   I know you want to hear about the installation process now! Or at least I want to write about it.  We went to the specialty clinic not the surgery center and they did it right there in a weird surgical room.  I got to sit/lay in a sort of dental chair type thing.  My husband got to watch and I was fully awake, not sedated.  They gave me local anesthetic even though I don't have much feeling in my breasts which worked well on the right side but on the left side I felt pain when he cut through except I didn't feel it on my breast, I felt it on my side.  My surgeon said that is very normal, that the nerves will reconnect from wherever they can, he thought I might feel it on my back, because the skin/muscle there is from my back and it still has connective blood vessels and things going into my back.  He then told us a story of a girl whose arm was almost removed in an accident and she could feel her funny bone in her ribs, its really bizarre, even though I am sort of an odd Frankenstein myself, I think it blows my mind to think they can put a whole arm back on.   Anyway back to the procedure, to start they gave me a shot in each breast of epinephrine, he said that it is so that I don't bleed all over while I am awake and John was there and its just less gory all around so no one (meaning John) vomits or passes out, ect.  Which worked well because there wasn't much bleeding, although they don't tell you until you start to feel really shaky that you then absorb that epinephrine into your blood stream and your heart races and you feel shaky and like running and running and running.  He cut a sort of odd teepee shape into my breast and stood it up and then stitched it together, and voila! it looks like real nipples!  They are very red, bloody gross nipples right now but they look real.  After I get the tattoos on them they will look really good.   He also revised the end of one of my scars because it pushed up and he made it so that it would be flat, not a really big deal but it bothered me and he likes everything to be perfect.  It was funny my Mom said how straight my nipples looked, and I said of course they do, he's not a hack!  Before the surgery he measured them out to be very much aligned with one another and they are very straight.  After surgery when I was shaky and felt like running they said I should have sugar so they gave me juice, I'm not really sure why having sugar will help with having absorbed epinephrine into one's bloodstream, it seems like that would have the opposite effect of calming you down, I think I'm going to google it now to find out more.  It went so well to get nipples, its the easiest surgery ever! I felt very cold and tired Friday night and most of Saturday but being cold and tired is pretty much my standard after surgery.  I ate a lot of candy and ice cream all weekend so I'm really going to need to step it up at the gym this week.  I also have a lot of other things to do this week for Christmas prep, I think I should go back for more epinephrine to get everything done!